


Losing Faith (But Not In You)

by diosraphael (forfitzsimmons)



Series: Hotel DuMort Chronicles (Saphael) [3]
Category: Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Burns, Judaism, M/M, Saphael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 04:47:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6940411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forfitzsimmons/pseuds/diosraphael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon wants his faith back and Raphael shares something close to his heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing Faith (But Not In You)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, it's been awhile... but I'm trying to update everything. Forever is Our Promise should be updated next sometime soon ^.^; Sorry about the wait guys, life is a big distraction...

It was late, nearly morning even. Most of the others were likely settling into bed, er, casket. Simon, however, was planning to use the time he usually spent having nightmares doing something more productive. He opened the nightstand drawer and blindly searched until he felt his hand burn. He plucked out a necklace with a silver Star of David hanging on a sturdy chain. Simon blew on his hand, still red from the burn. He poked the burn and hissed when he decided it was still too tender.

“What are you doing?”

Simon jerked at Raphael’s voice, dropping his Star of David necklace onto the bed.

“I, uh, nothing?” He tried to hide his burnt palm casually, trying not to wince when the tender skin touched his pajama bottoms.

The unimpressed look he received told Simon he wasn’t doing a good job of lying. Raphael marched over to him and grabbed his hands, frowning when he turned them over. A star-shaped burn was slowly fading away from the palm of Simon’s right hand. He looked up at Simon like he was about to scold him.

Simon glanced away, eyes landing on the abandoned necklace. “Maybe you think it’s stupid, but I thought if I could just get used to the burn… I’m not super religious or anything, but it was my dad’s and it’s all I really have left of him and I kind of miss going to see him and saying the mourner’s _kaddish_ and I used to always wear it to temple and when I had a gig for good luck and--”

“Simon!”

Said boy flinched and looked back at his clan leader, only to find him looking at him strangely. Usually Raphael kept his facial expression to serious or irritated or occasionally playful, but this was… softer?

Raphael released his hands and reached under his dress shirt to pull out a small gold cross. “I told you before I learned how to hold a cross without being burned. If you wish to take back your faith, I can help you, Simon.” He sat down beside him, picking up the Star of David, turning it over in his hand. “It’s dangerous to do this alone.”

Simon blinked stupidly. “You—you _want_ to help me? But I complain a lot during training and you find me irritating and I fidget and I’m like the most annoying person ever. Why would you want to have to spend _more_ time with me?”

Raphael looked up and closed his eyes, a tiny smile gracing his face, like he was reliving a good memory. He opened them and turned back towards Simon, a wistful look in his eyes. “You remind me of my brothers.”

“Your brothers? Simon remembered that he’d mentioned losing his youngest brother, but sometimes it was hard for him to think of Raphael as anything but the vampire he was today.

“They were loud and sometimes I swore they never stopped talking, not even in their sleep. If one wasn’t going on about something, another was. They could never stay still for a second either. They left disaster zones wherever they went like it was their job,” Raphael gestured at Simon’s messy room with a smirk. “After being dead for over sixty years, it’s not easy to face my own humanity.”

“You mean me?” Simon’s eyes widened. “Wait, this whole time you’ve hated me because I remind you of the people you cared about when you were alive?” Simon shook his head and spoke without any real heat, “What the hell, dude? _Rude_.”

Raphael rolled his eyes and Simon smiled at the familiar gesture. He wondered if Raphael had rolled his eyes at his brothers’ antics, a fond smile on his face as he watched them make trouble. He imagined Raphael lecturing his brothers while bandaging them up after they tried to do something dangerous, staying up until all of them were home and in bed, giving them his all when they needed him most.

“I swore to look after you, just like I swore to myself that I would look after my family.” He held the necklace out to Simon, offering his help as the star dangled in the air.

Simon could be painfully oblivious sometimes, but he could also be fairly observant. This whole conversation seemed to be out of Raphael’s comfort zone, and if Simon said no now, he might be throwing away any chance of a real friendship with Raphael. Raphael was putting himself out on a line, and even though his presence made Simon nervous, he knew he needed to accept his olive branch.

Simon nodded, reaching out to grab the Star of David. It was like the one time he’d accidentally touched a hot stove, but prolonged. It felt like the burn was working its way through his whole being. His free hand came up to grip his shirt. Raphael tugged the star out of Simon’s grasp just as Simon felt the burn heading for his heart.

“When the burn gets here,” he pointed at Simon’s chest, where his dead heart was, “You need to stop or you could do serious damage—or die. It always goes to your heart last, no matter where the burn starts.” He took Simon’s hand gently and examined the burn on it, “If you don’t feed regularly, this will scar. Eventually, the nerves that reject holy symbols with be burned, like regular ones would stop working if you get a severe burn.”

Simon, meanwhile, was barely listening. He was still in awe at the shift in character he was witnessing. Raphael still spoke like he was all business, but everything tonight was more than he usually said to Simon at a time. That and Raphael holding his hand was making Simon’s brain practically shout _does not compute_.

“Are you just going to stare at me all night?” He raised an eyebrow as he spoke, snapping Simon out of his trance.

“I, uh, sorry,” he flushed. “I’m just trying to get used to you being nice to me.”

“I’ve been nice to you before, Simon.”

“I know, but I mean, it was usually with some undercurrent of irritation or annoyance or because you felt like you had to. This is, like, sincere niceness. Like, you _genuinely_ want to be nice to me. It’s kind of weird.” Simon backtracked, realizing how that sounded, “Not bad weird! Like thinking you’d run out of PopTarts and finding another one or finding out Luke and Leia were siblings. Good weird, very, uh, good weird.” Simon coughed nervously, hoping he hadn’t screwed up their tentative friendship already.

Raphael just rolled his eyes again and laughed at Simon’s stuttering. It was a short, choppy laugh, kind of grumble-y even, but Simon found that he liked it anyway. The corners of Raphael’s lips turned up and he stood, still holding Simon’s necklace.

“Just for that, I’m confiscating this.”

“What?” Simon tried to grab for the necklace but Raphael moved out of the way. “That’s mine!”

“I don’t think I can trust you not to try holding it when I’m not around.”

Simon flushed further, knowing he was right, but some petty part of him wished Raphael was wrong. Simon pouted like a little kid for a moment before becoming more serious.

“Take care of it for me, okay?” He chewed on his bottom lip, glancing from the necklace to Raphael’s face. “It’s real important, you know?”

The expression on Raphael’s face turned solemn. “I know.” He gripped at his own necklace. “ _Dormir bien,_ Simon.” He glanced back at Simon before disappearing out the door to his own room.

Simon laid back on his bed and sighed. He was exhausted, but he wasn’t looking forward to the nightmares that plagued him most nights. He looked at the fading burn on his hand and smiled, thinking about the progress he’d made with Raphael. He closed his eyes, imagining what it would’ve been like if they’d met as humans, the protective big brother and the nerd.

He didn’t have any nightmares that morning.


End file.
